Do you really know who you are? (This is a long post but please read it.)

About me: I wonder what people will say about me after I am gone? I wonder what my legacy will be to those that follow me. What will you, my friends, talk about when I'm gone? Will you ever mention me after a few months have gone by? Who am I? Do I know the answer to that? Do you know the answer to that--do you really know the answer? And here I'm not talking about the typical answer: "I'm a child of God." That's the past. I do know that I'm a child of God, but do I fulfil that privilege? Do you? Do we really try our best? Or do we convince ourselves somewhere along the way that we are already doing our best? What is our best, and what does it mean to be children of God? Do you think that knowing that you are a child of God automatically means that you know exactly who you really are? Because someone told you you are a child of God, you know automatically what your favorite food and dress is, what you like and what you don't; what will make you happy, what will make you angry? Do you automatically know how to live this life, what you will be when you grow up? Does knowing that you are a child of God give you a personality?

I know I'm a child of God, but as it happens so many times in your real life, when you feel like your daddy is not paying enough attention to you it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it just means he is busy with other things, or it might just mean that he wants you to discover yourself, discover your own weaknesses and strengths, discover your true best friend--yourself, discover that you are the only one who lives with you 24/7. Have you discovered that person? Are you your best friend?

I know I'm not. In my life I have been through a lot: sickness, abuse, love, health, loneliness, hopelessness, joy, love; and all these things formed me one by one to the person I am now. But who am I? When I was little, just running barefoot around the village, I was happy. Yes, I went through rough times, but I was happy. I was happy because I was free--free to truly be myself, to play when I wanted, to read when I wanted, to think about whatever I wanted. I truly loved everyone around me, my family and my friends. But one thing was always missing: I gave out so much love that I didn't realize that I myself wasn't really loved. I read the New Testament over and over and over, and I got closer and closer to Christ, so much that I was convinced that I would be able to do exactly what he did for us, because I loved the world so much that I would have been able to give my life for everyone. Then I went to Hungary and was introduced to the Church, and in the Church I finally had good friends that I thought were true friends--I finally felt loved and important. But now I know that what I felt for each one of you wasn't love, it was the imagination of love. I thought I was giving my life for others, like Christ did. So I found those people who needed to take care of someone, and to them I became the depressed, always crying and going through a rough time Alex, and it seemed to make them happy that they could take care of me. Then others needed to see me be happy and they wanted to be around happy people, so I was happy around them; I was the happiest, funniest girl you could imagine. By these experiences I developed so many personalities that you could tell me that you wanted me to cry, and I would instantly cry and be depressed--isn't that sad? I had lost my freedom, and I kept trying to convince myself I was happy when I really wasn't. Isn't it sad how subconscious things determine what you do and how you do it? Everything around you works subconsciously against you.

That is why you need to know exactly who you are, what you are, so you can truly say that you are a child of God, and not just because you've heard that your entire life from Church, family, and friends. My entire life I let other people shape me to be whoever they wanted me to be, and then when they had enough and fulfilled their need, they let me go, and I got lost. When I first realized that I don't know who I am, what my personality is really like, that was when I realized that I had no idea what it truly means to be a child of God. Look at the scriptures: even Christ himself had to grow and find himself before he could stand before God and say the words, "Father, now I know who I am."

I truly believe that the most important thing and the most important reason we have been sent to earth is to get to know ourselves. It is a much harder process than just going through rough times. As I said, you have no idea what kind of things I went through or what I'm going through these days, but I have to tell you that the hardest thing in everything that's happening around me is that I have no idea who I am, because if I truly knew, I could stand up for myself, but I can't. Can you? It doesn't matter if you are religious or not, when you read this post I want from the bottom of my heart for you to ask yourself if you really know who you are. And if your answer is yes, then ask the next question: "Am I doing everything I possibly can do to be the best I can be? And every morning when I look in the mirror do I recognize myself, and say, you can get that job you want, you can be rich if you want, you are truly happy, you can get that guy you like because you are beautiful, you can truly love everyone around you because you know you were born to love?" But the most important is that you look in the mirror every morning and say, "I'm really living the life I wanted for myself." Because if you are able to say that you are living the life you really wanted for yourself, you will never ever regret what you have done or what you haven't, or what you will do and what you won't, because if you know yourself, you know the precious gift your daddy gave you. It is yours only--your life, and you will never feel like he left you alone and doesn't talk to you anymore, because you will have your precious gift from him: your life, which is none other than your best friend, yourself, that will always remind you that your daddy loves you.

I'm not even close to knowing who I am, but at least I recognize that, and I will work very hard to find out who I am, but it is going to be a long time, maybe not until I reach the grave, but I want everyone to know that I tried and I truly have given the best I could. I hope that people after I am gone will remember these words and not just as something they read once but that they really will try to find themselves.

So now please ask yourself, DO YOU REALLY KNOW WHO YOU ARE? Will you be the boss over your subconscious or you will still let others boss you around and tell you who you are? (Don't lie to yourself, either.)